Do you ever really “get over it”?

pink chrysanthemumNext month, my little girl would be reaching the age of 10 if she were still here.

For the last month (and for the next few) I’ve been thinking of the other children in my first mothers group who are all turning 10 this year. I haven’t seen any of them for at least the last 8 years, other than a few photos here and there on Facebook.

My first baby has been gone for almost 9 years and today I had it brought full front and centre when I took my son to our Osteopath – someone we haven’t seen for over 8 years. He treated Isabella for less than 6 weeks before she died and it was a shock for him almost as much as it was for us when she left and to see him again today just brought it all flooding back.

I remember when my husband and I first started attending the bereavement groups at the Children’s hospital, it was sad even then (in the early stages of our loss) to see parents still so overwhelmed by their grief after years. We didn’t attend the bereavement group sessions for very long because I didn’t want to fall deeper into the grief and become one of those parents, still crying after so many years. And yet here I am sitting on the couch now, crying, remembering Isabella and still wanting to know why.

On a conscious, logical level, I know that so many things have changed for the better in our lives – we have our beautiful little boy who was born at home and is thriving, we live in a beautiful home only three doors down from the beach, we’ve travelled and experienced some amazing places, and yet I still don’t understand why it needed to happen this way, why my child had to die.

“Because we know that life is eternal, and we know that there is no ending to that which you are about, if one of you is killed in an earthquake or crashes your plane, or any number of other very creative ways you have found to make your exit into the Non-Physical, because we know the whole picture, we grieve not a moment for any of you. But from your more shortsighted point of view in physical, a lot of you grieve tremendously.”

– Abraham

I want to be able to see the whole picture, so I can stop grieving/have a greater understanding and get back to living my life because today, I saw from an outsiders perspective, how low I have been for the past 9 years, despite all my elaborate diversions, none of which have been as effective as I would have liked.

I think it’s time for a big shake-up in my life.

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About Helena

Helena is a stay at home Mum to one funny, intelligent and very curious little boy. Helena & her husband are working towards creating a location independent lifestyle that will enable their family to homeschool, travel and experience the world together.

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